What was this redneck’s Walmart emergency?

Walking in from my distant parking spot, I’m watching as a man in a giant, red pickup, driving too fast for a parking lot, let alone near the entrance to our busy Columbia Walmart, does a 180 to pull across the sidewalk up onto the concrete where they bring in the shopping carts.

This not-a-parking-spot is also clearly marked “FIRE LANE”, well at least on the parking lot side of the sidewalk.

He jumps out of his truck, slams the door, and strides purposefully into the store. I’m wondering what the emergency is when he stops at the Red Box DVD rental machine and begins browsing for a movie.

The Music Tumor

As with hiccups everyone occasionally has a song get stuck in their head. Like hiccups it’s not taken seriously because we all experience them and they just go away. Usually. There was that hiccup girl in the news this week who had them for years and is now accused of murder. I guess they finally got to her.

What if the tune that was stuck in your head was with you all day and later made it hard to get to sleep and then to your annoyance was still the first thought you had upon awakening? What if it happened repeatedly? It does to me all the time. Day after day. Month after month. I am the hiccup girl of songs stuck in your head.

It’s not the same song of course. It’s pretty much whatever song, or worse, jingle I heard last. 80′s music is the worst especially when I’m a captive audience like on the bus or in the grocery store. I keep my iPod with me out of self defense, but that just plants a song of my choosing in my head instead of a retched Beach Boys hit. It’s not the whole song either. Not by a long shot. More like two or three measures. Songs with words are worse than instrumental music but they all stick. Wildly random jazz is almost safe, but even that has an underlying melody that the music tumor can assimilate and reproduce.

Back in April 2010 I awoke on the second day of a campout and had a joyous few seconds of peace before the music started to play. I almost wept for joy, but it was so short lived that in just a few breath’s time the music tumor was throbbing a fragment of a John Denver song about sunrises or mountains, something appropriate for the setting.

If there is no song there is a cadence. A place holder waiting for a tune to wrap around it. It goes sort of boom-boom, chacka-lacka boom-boom. I consider this a reprieve when that’s all it does.

Then Tuesday, the first time since April, I awoke from a nap on the bus on the way home from work to find blessed silence. I looked out the window at the beautiful Tennessee countryside experiencing a feeling of total bliss–and impending doom. For as sure as the thought hits me “Hey. The music tumor has quieted. Shh…” my feeble mind starts seeking, searching. That day it was the Barry Manilow song “I Write the Songs”, in fact. I hadn’t heard it in ages. The cruel music tumor had saved it for just this occasion. It’s playing now as I type this, going quietly insane, like the hiccup girl.

(Originally posted on 11/24/2010 11:07 PM)


Did you observe national “Save a Spider Day”?

Sure we vegans talk the talk about being kind to animals, but do we walk the walk?

Yesterday morning (March 14) as I was stepping into the shower I noticed a medium-sized spider hanging on by his fingernails, fighting against the current to keep from being washed down the drain.

I could have easily nudged him with my toe and off he’d have been to the sewage treatment plant. Instead, I grabbed my humane bug trap (a plastic cup and thin square of cardboard I keep on hand for just such situations) and scooped him out of the water. I didn’t want to get dressed to take him outside, so I carefully poured him onto the sink and got in the shower thinking I’d take him out when I was finished.

Of course he was gone when I got out of the shower. “Oh well, I tried” I thought assuming he’d intentionally crawled down the sink drain. Then this morning, 24 hours later, I returned to the scene to find him fat, happy, dry and fuzzy waiting in the sink. He put up a heroic struggle to stay out of the bug trap this time, but I got him and showed him the way out into the garage where he’ll have plenty of prey and company.

Naturally something as important as this had to be Tweeted. Soon my Peta friend Michelle asked did I know that it was “Save a Spider Day” yesterday?! That spider probably thought “Just my luck. :::( I’m going to die on national Save a Spider Day.”

Yes it’s true:

Be kind to spiders and National Save a Spider Day

Happy with 253rd place

Today was the Cadillac Firecracker 5K at the Brentwood YMCA.  Just yesterday I was shopping in the upscale, affluent community of Brentwood, TN.  I went to Fleet Feet to get some shorts, socks and a training watch.  I had to get a women’s model because my wrists are so thin.  The teenage sales girl and I compared arms, and ours were about the same size so she agreed a black, women’s model would be fine for me, which I got.

After Fleet Feet I returned to my car to find I had locked the key in the ignition.  No problem.  Just call home and get Val (wife) to bring me the spare key.  Ring, ring, ring.  No answer on any of the three phone numbers at home even though Val, Derek and Ryan were all home and it was 10:00 AM.   After 20 minutes of this I called 411 and found a locksmith who arrived 30 minutes later.  While waiting I had a lot of time to people watch in front of the Brentwood Kroger.  One thing I noticed was how fit all the women were.  The men, not so much.  It was a Friday morning so I think a lot of the women were full time moms and the men were rich fat cats.  In Brentwood you see a lot of runners and cyclists.  In the restaurants you see thin people eating reasonable portions.  It’s a health-minded community.

At the heart of it is a mega-YMCA.  This is the training HQ for many of the healthy Brentwoodians.  It is also where today’s 5K race was held.  I got up at my usual work day time of 5:00 AM and arrived at the YMCA at 6:15 for the 7:00 AM race.  There I was, in the belly of the beast–the Brentwood YMCA.  I, from Columbia Tennessee where our number one industry is medical supplies, in the midst of all the squash playing, BMW driving elite.

Parking was already pushed back from the Y to nearby office buildings.  I parked and ran a little then walked to the Y and got my bib, shirt, chip and my friend Pam’s bib and shirt.  She was not able to come.  I didn’t get her chip as that would be cheating.  The chips you see are quarter-sized plastic discs that you tie to your shoe with cable ties.  Using RFID technology the chips allow the high tech timing system to get your exact start and finish time, no matter how far back you are from the start line when the gun fires, and you can be pretty deep in a field of one thousand runners!  So if I had carried Pam’s chip it would have appeared that she came to the race and precisely tied me on time.

I walked around for half an hour waiting for the race to start.  Most people had other people with them.  I sure wish Val, Derek and Ryan had come*.  Ryan wanted to but I couldn’t leave him alone in a crowd like that while I ran, and without Val or Derek to watch him, he had to stay home.  The crowd was intimidating.  Everyone was in such good shape, including the older folks like me, that I was concerned I’d get left behind badly.  I toured the Y.  I have never seen so many machines.  Why do people work out inside when they can just run around their neighborhoods?  I went outside and found a light pole to stretch against.  A young black man who looked like a track star came up to it and started to stretch along side me too.  He was very nice.  He was the only person I spoke to the entire time in Brentwood other than the volunteers who gave me my bib and shirt, and that was just transactional.

Ten minutes before seven they announced we could go to the start line.  We were instructed to line up leaving the front for faster runners, so I put myself about fifty feet back from the start line.  As people started to settle in around me I became comfortable with my self-placement.  “I can keep up with this bunch” I thought to myself.  Finally the gun.  We scrunched but no movement for a few seconds then finally I was moving, walking toward the start line.  Then I was crossing it!  I punched “start” on my new “Iron Woman” watch and it began to tick off the seconds.  I just went with the flow for a half a minute then realized I was not going as fast as I wanted so I started to move around and forward through the crowd.

There was a turn, a hill, people passed me.  I passed others.  Soon we were spread out nicely and there was plenty of room to find your own pace.  It was hard on a new course, not my familiar Woodland Park run, to know how far I had come and how hard to push it.  I was pushing it too, telling myself “Go man! What are you holding back for now? This is it!”  So I ran faster and passed a few people.  Finally a mile marker.  I glanced at my watch and it said 7:45.  Wow!  Under eight minutes for the first mile.  I began to suffer a little, wondering if I could keep this pace up.  We passed a water station and people were holding Coke cups full of water out to us.  Many grabbed them, but I wasn’t about to slow down for water and who needs water in such a short race?

At the two mile mark I was under sixteen minutes and feeling like my legs were gone.  A man who had passed me earlier was now walking.  My pace had not changed since about 100 yards from the start.  The last mile was brutal.  I was passed by a young man with a running stroller.  He looked so strong I bet he could have carried me in that stroller and still done fine.  We were coming back to the Y now.  People along the route were clapping and whistling and yelling “Go! Don’t stop now!”  Then the finish line was in sight.  Merciful heaven above the finish line.  A man went to pass me in that last 50 yards, and he did, but I caught back up to him and we crossed about the same time.  It didn’t matter who won of course.  It’s a race against the clock.  We didn’t start together.  Still it was fun to have that little sprint at the end.  I remembered to hit stop on my watch as I crossed finish.

A volunteer snipped the chip off my shoe and I walked around with the 252 people who finished ahead of me.  Some were getting free coffee.  Coffee???  I found water and started walking back to my car.  I got my camera and went back to the Y to take some pictures, then watched the last of the runners stroll in.  After that I got in the car and drove back to Columbia.  I stopped and got Ryan breakfast and had a grapefruit with him and told him about the race.  Val was having coffee and expressed some interest in my morning.

Later I went to www.nashvillestriders.com and lo and behold they had the race results posted already.  My time was twenty-four minutes and thirty-four seconds, just one second different than the time I got on my new watch.  It was good for 253rd place out of 942 and 13th out of 48 in the 50-55 age group!

Even though in the big scheme of things, all I did was drive 40 miles and run around an office park for 5 kilometers, I feel like I accomplished something by getting into shape, getting up early on a holiday and pushing myself through some pain.  I was faster than 3/4 of the super fit looking people I had observed this morning and the day before while stranded.  Looking at my time I even beat the majority of the older teenage boys and the men in their twenties and thirties.  I am a long way from placing, however.  So I am going to keep it up.  Running and these public 5Ks are a great hobby.  I highly recommend it.  Can’t wait for the next one.


*Ryan Steve Derek Val at a later 5K

Before a race later that Summer

(Originally posted on 8/5/2009 9:03 PM)

 

Ancient copy editor changes course of history

6. Thou shall not kill {your fellow Man or other animals}.”

Implied. Omit for space.

Meatless meatloaf

When I was 17, a couple of years into my “vegetarian phase”, my mom discovered a recipe called “meatless meatloaf” in a magazine.  I can’t credit the magazine because that was back in ’75 and who knows what it was.  Redbook or Ladie’s Home Journal I think.  It is a family favorite to this day.  A traditional part of Thanksgiving Dinner.
Now, it’s surely not vegan, and has some unhealthy ingredients, so don’t make a career out of eating this.  But it’s great for Special oKasions.
  1. 4 beaten eggs
  2. 2 hard boiled eggs, diced
  3. 1 cup cottage cheese
  4. 1/4 cup EVOO (That’s extra virgin olive oil if your not a Rachael Ray fan)
  5. 1 teaspoon salt (“Real Salt” is a good brand)
  6. 1 cup chopped pecans
  7. 1 teaspoon sweet basil
  8. 1/2 cup chopped onion
  9. 1 teaspoon minced garlic (I added this to the recipe)
  10. 1 can cream of mushroom soup (I warned you it was not that healthy!)
  11. 4 cups Special K cereal (gluten free alternative: Ancient Harvest Quinoa Flakes)
  • In a giant bowl, add the ingredients in the order listed above mixing it all together as you go.
  • Spray a loaf pan (we use a 2 x 9 x 12 glass baking dish and it barely holds it) with vegetable oil and pour mixture in.
  • Bake for one hour at 350 uncovered.
  • Spread 1 8 oz can tomato sauce (unsalted, this is already salty enough!) on top and cook for 15 more minutes.
Leftovers make great sandwiches cold with mayo and mustard!

(Originally posted on 1/18/2010 6:58 PM)

The last animal I ate

When I was 15 my family tore me away from my suburban hippie Florida friends and moved us to the mountains of North Carolina.  That summer I quit eating meat to preserve my sanity.  Later, married and about 10 years into my vegetarian phase, I found myself back in Florida on vacation with my wife.  She was and still is a meat eater (I really assumed she’d change after a year or two of being with me).  She loves seafood so we went to Capt. Dave’s in Destin where she convinced me to try some seafood, quoting me my own “eat low on the food chain” argument.

Plied with alcohol and in full-on vacation mode, I ordered the soft shell crab.  I had eaten crab salad as a kid and kind of liked it.  Crabs also seem pretty stupid and are low on the food chain, after all.  When the food came I was horrified to see the creature had been battered and deep fried whole, probably even alive.  It looked like sort of a puffy logo of a crab.

I was kind of freaking out, turning red laughing.  She ordered me to cheer down and eat it.  I picked it up and put it in my mouth and made a growling sound like a carnivore, and shook it side to side, crooked little crab legs waggling.  Even though the two of us were alone, I felt like everyone in the crowded restaurant knew I was going off the vegetarian bandwagon and was staring at me.  I took a bite.  Got it down, but oh gross!

That was it.  One bite.  Last bite.  1985.  What a weird thing to do, eating animals.

(Originally posted on 12/8/2010 at 9:30 PM)

Slow motion at the lotion

My son Ryan and I were grocery shopping at Walmart yesterday, which is horrible this time of year with the added volume of people Christmas shopping. It was a challenge simply moving through the store. Every aisle clogged with People of Walmart. We had completed our list almost. A quick scan showed one item remaining: Gold Bond Ultimate Restoring skin lotion (actually read “lotion”). That department was diagonally at the other side of the store and I nearly said “Let’s skip the lotion and get out of here.” But Ryan was in a good mood so we burrowed through.

Finding the skin products aisle I asked Ryan to stay out of the stream of traffic with the cart poised to hit the checkouts as soon as I grabbed the lotion. It was a relief to see the aisle occupied by a lone woman.

She was sitting in an electric shopping cart, the kind provided for the elderly or injured. Not to give Walmart any credit, more likely the electric carts are provided for mortally obese customers so that they can continue to buy Diet Coke and Cheetos even after losing mobility from same. She was not old but was hastily transitioning from middle age to old age with thin brown/gray hair, wearing a pink Stay Puft Marshmallow Man insulated coat. No cane, no brace, no boot.

As I approached from her forward view the cart beeped again. That was the beeping I’d heard. She was repeatedly commanding the cart forward. It had dual levers, actually a single piece of yellow plastic, that you operate with either or both thumbs but they are large enough that you could control the cart with a canned ham. It wasn’t moving. Inevitably, the Gold Bond lotions were directly beside her at her eye level.

I began to troubleshoot. The control panel, which consisted of a detailed end user license agreement and a single red light, indicated “red.” The wheels were not obstructed. Clearly she should abandon the cart. She was not committed to it as her purse was the only item in the basket. However, she’d never get another one short of cartjacking another shopper. She tried the levers again. Beep, red. I was standing squarely in her peripheral vision, trying to see through her. All the lotion was neatly fronted except one row that appeared empty. Her head was precisely collinear with that row.

I wormed a hand around her and probed the shelf finding a bottle by touch. It was the stuff! She never moved or acknowledged my presence in any way. I concealed my joy and strode off to find Ryan. Finally noticing me, she grabbed two bottles of lotion and began an impromptu Consumer Reports product comparison, pretending she meant to spend the day parked there.

Looking back on this I probably should have offered to help her, but in the reality TV show competition that is Christmas shopping, where the winner is the first one out of the parking lot with all the items on their list, I did not. But Ryan and I did get to continue on to the next round.

(Originally posted 12/18/2010 9:55 AM)

Eat a grapefruit before bed and God will send you interesting dreams

It is usually best to sleep on an empty stomach so your body can concentrate on cleansing instead of digestion (see: Breakfast: the least important meal of the day).  But occasionally you might want to add some muscle to the cleaning supplies in the form of a grapefruit.

Grapefruits are powerful cleansers with many health benefits, but they also possess the power to summon dreams.  I can go weeks without recollecting a single moment of a dream, but when I have a grapefruit before bed nine times out of ten I’ll have bizarre, moving dreams.  Maybe not pleasant, but noteworthy!

Recipe:
Wash the grapefruit.  Slice into quarters.  Bend the peels backward and rip out the fruit.  Cut off the hard stringy centers and seeds with a razor sharp knife.  Cut into bite size chunks and eat the whole thing.  Go right to bed.  You’ll see!

Breakfast, the Least Important Meal of the Day

My first college roommate, Rudolph Chuk Ying Chung was thrown out of his first US apartment by friends Ivan and Rocko. They three were from Hong Kong and apparently selected their American names based on 1940′s gangster movies.

In modern times millions of misguided Asians have emulated the Western diet to their collective detriment. Rudolph was no exception, living off a cadaver-based diet, which might have accounted for his youthful zombie look.

One morning I was preparing to visit the UT swim complex and invited Rudolph to come along. I had a towel and made swimming motions with my arms. He got the idea and gravely nodded he’d come. “Wait. Need food for energy”, he said opening the fridge. He gulped down two cold hot dogs and a glass of milk. We walked to the gym, the skinny vegetarian and Chinese dude both grinning.

I began to swim laps in the Olympic size indoor pool, mostly along the bottom where I like it. It was eight feet deep or more, a huge open blue space. I could see Rudolph’s legs waggling vertically above on a return lap. When I came up for air the lifeguard was yelling and whistling at Rudolph to let go of the lane divider. Obediently he did and sank directly to the bottom where he stood struggling to get back to the surface. He had to be rescued. We left the pool and the gym in disgrace. I had done two laps. That was our first and last time at the pool.

Rudolph made the mistake so many do, that eating gives you energy. It does but not right away, not by a long shot. The energy you have now comes from breathing and the foods you ate, and managed to digest yesterday and the days before. Your muscles are cells that are ready to go now and are fed oxygen as they perform. Food sitting in your stomach drawing blood and energy to it for digestion might as well be in someone else’s body for all the good it does you.

More important is the fact that your body operates in two modes: digestion and cleansing. After a meal has been assimilated, the body goes about repairs, rebuilding and housekeeping. It’s pretty single minded in this and drops the repair/cleansing operation and focuses on digestion when food arrives. That’s one reason sleep is so essential. It’s the one time when we stop eating! When you eat breakfast you break the little fast all too soon. It might make you feel better, grounded, full, not distracted by hunger. But eating hasn’t given you energy.

Keep your fast going! Have some herb tea and lots of water. The less you eat the better you feel! Hold out for mid morning and have fruit, then a raw vegetable salad for lunch. Your energy levels will grow. Your body and belly will thank you for the relief.

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